When I first signed up my kids for team sports I wasn’t thinking about all the wonderful opportunities they’d have to learn important life lessons. I was more interested in giving them a social outlet in the form of exercise to burn off some of that boundless energy! At the height of our kids-n-sports days, I had four children involved in ten activities: football, basketball, baseball, soccer, roller hockey, dance, piano, boy scouts, book club, and community service. I was in the car more than anywhere else, but that’s another story.
My husband and I both enjoyed sports and clubs when we were young – maybe our children would love them, too. So we agreed to approach extracurricular activities with our self-coined “velcro” strategy: throw enough stuff at them and maybe a couple things would stick. It worked. They eventually whittled their interests down to a more realistic list of five; ah yes, much more manageable. Fortunately, or not (depending how you look at it) club and athletic competitions come with two fundamental goals: win, or do your best. Sounds simple enough, right? Not so fast.
Parenting through competitiveness can become a bit tricky.
The most obvious and measurable definition of success comes through wins and losses. My son Andrew was playing in a high school basketball game and his team was down by two with 15 seconds left on the game clock. After a couple passes around the outside, the ball came back near the top of the key and into Andrew’s hands. I guess I half expected him to swing it back around to the corner again, but with the last few seconds ticking off the clock he took a shot from the three-point line. My heart sailed through the air right alongside that ball – willfully urging it toward the basket. Swoosh! The game winning shot was nothing but net! The bench cleared and our fans went wild. It’s so fun being a parent through the excitement of victory.
But as I watched my son walk off the court – smiling and exchanging high-fives with his teammates – I couldn’t help but see the sadness on the faces of the other team. More telling was the painful awareness in the eyes of the moms and dads. Unfortunately when one team wins, the other one loses.
When one boy celebrates, the other one commiserates.
So what happens when the scoreboard doesn’t stop with my kids’ team on top? Now we’re talking – because that happens more often than not.
It didn’t take long for the tables to turn. A few weeks later I’m sitting at another game – soccer this time. My daughter’s team is minutes away from regulation time in a potential season ending game. They were only down one goal so our hopes were still high – that is until a player on the opposing team kicked a ball that sailed right inside the top left corner of the goal. Nothing like sealing the deal. It was a beautiful shot (no goalie error there) but our team lost and their season was over. I had one sad girl in my car for the long drive home.
Everyone knows that defeat and disappointment are a part of life, but parenting through heartache is a tough one and we’ve had our fair share. I remember sitting through recognition assemblies at their school without hearing my child’s name called. I have dried tears and handed out hugs when party evites fail to drop in our family inbox. And with sports, I have soothed broken hearts when broken bones brought an early and unexpected end to a great season. Sure, there are so many character building skills you can learn from a loss like the importance of perseverance; or better yet, losing with dignity. But in the heat of the moment those lessons tend to fall on deaf ears. With my kids, I’ve found it’s best to allow them time to just be sad.
I’ve learned to stay nearby and offer support in the form of outstretched arms and a loving embrace.
Author Allison Armstrong had this take on dealing with heartbreak.
“Many parents today try too hard to smooth away life’s rough edges in the hopes of keeping disappointment at bay. Children with no experience solving life’s little setbacks have a much harder time when they’re faced with the big ones.”
The big ones? You mean missing the cut on student council isn’t huge? Maybe at the time, but not so much in the grand scheme of things.
When parenting through the inherent goals of win, or do your best – I guess I tend to opt for trying their best, standing firm behind the old cliché “winning isn’t everything.” Not because it’s what I should say, but because it’s what I believe to be true. Besides, high school football is already gearing up for next fall and I’m betting our team won’t win every game.
So before my son runs out on the field, I may borrow a line from Gene Hackman in Hoosiers: “I don’t care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we’re gonna be winners.”
More likely, I’ll keep it short and simple. “Win or lose, I’ll still love you.”
(Published in the Orange County Register, Life/Family Section, Parenting Voices, July 8, 2014.)
